Are You Allowed To Mourn A Loss?

Disenfranchised Grief. Have you heard of this term? In the world of complexities of losses and the emotional toll they take on us, everyone should know this term. Because usually the world functions in a way that considers family or romantic relationships above all others. But there are other losses too. It’s the time to talk about it.

‘Disenfranchised grief’ is a term used by psychologists to describe loss that is not acknowledged or socially supported by the people around us.

It is coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka in 1989 to explain a situation in which society fails to recognise the significance of the loss a person experiences. And that person often feels isolated, invalidated, or ashamed of their emotions. It is dangerous, as the loss is not openly acknowledged or publicly mourned by the suffering person.

Grief That Is Not Recognised Means No Right To Mourn?

The most common disenfranchised grief is that of losing an unrecognised relationship. If a person feels a need to keep their relationship private for any reason, that person may not know how to express the sorrow when the partner/loved ones leave or dies. Even if that person expresses grief, people around may struggle to understand the reason behind the mourning. If it is the death of a hidden lover, then the sufferer may go through severe loss yet be unable to express it freely.

Mourning the death or estrangement of an ex-spouse or ex-partner can also come with disenfranchised grief. Because the current partner or society may not understand it, as they normally expect detachment. The same goes with the loss of digital connections. Because the people around may not understand the depth of losing an online friend or pen pal.

The question arises: how can one mourn for someone whom they never met in person? But there are such good relationships that formed as a space of comfort even without a real meeting. The presence through words, commitment, sharing life moments, trust and friendship can be deeper than we think.

Another unrecognised grief is the death of a coworker, mentor, or client whose daily impact was profound. But most of the time, this is not acknowledged by even the griever’s own family or friends. Labelling it as unnecessary attachments or overthinking, the person is not allowed to mourn properly. This can be more judgemental as some people feel sad for unknown persons they meet during daily travelling or a seller on the road.

Every grief deserves to be healed. Questioning the authenticity of emotions and ridiculing the expressions would only damage the griever.

There are instances of confused or guilty griefs too. The death of an absent parent can evoke a sense of loss, even without a shared common history. For polyamorous people, the death of a casual partner or friend with benefits can affect them worse, as they are not allowed to express the grief, as it won’t go well with the primary partner/family. This only leads to suffocation and suppressed emotions that will somehow negatively affect the griever.

Losing a loved one to suicide, a drug overdose, or violence can arouse a stigmatised circumstance, and grievers hide their sorrow because society is not ready to normalise the mourning for a person who did something unacceptable.

Less Time Means Less Significant?

Experiencing a miscarriage or abortion is not a new thing among us. But the mourning is considered okay only for a few months in our society. The prolonged grief is considered not good, and others may minimize the loss by suggesting the chance of having another kid. This scenario usually snatches a person’s right to address the innate sense of belonging and loss they felt and ends it without proper closure. A similar case is visible in the loss of a pet. Most of the time, the mourning is ridiculed as immature behaviour or trivialised by comments about ‘getting a new pet’. The duration the pet spent with a person is not a measurement of love and affection in the relationship.

The changes in life can also cause disenfranchised grief. Grief is not limited to death. Even major life transitions can hurt equally to death loss. Major non-death losses like a divorce, job loss, retirement, or even leaving a loved one in assisted living can cause disenfranchised grief. Society advises that it is the inevitable way of life and simply ignores the pain a person goes through. Lost potential is a common but mostly unaddressed grief. It can damage a person’s inner world in silence. Grieving for unattained dreams, lost childhood due to trauma, infertility, chronic illness, old age, possessions, and home country are losses that stay within a person.

Understanding and being empathetic are essential in such situations.

Result of Unprocessed Grief

Unprocessed grief can turn to various other emotional states like anger, guilt, and emotional numbness. So, disenfranchised grief can result in:

• insomnia
• substance misuse
• anxiety
• depression
• physical fatigue
• tension
• unexplained pain
• appetite changes
• loneliness
• relationship problems
• mood swings
• stomach distress
• diminished self-esteem
• shame
• doubt
• guilt

How to Cope With Disenfranchised Grief

1. Acknowledge your loss. Even if no one else acknowledges your loss, do it for yourself.
2. Give yourself the permission to feel and express your feelings.
3. Take care of yourself. Your body and mind need care. Get enough rest, nutritional food, exercise, and social connection.
4. Seek support from people who do understand and professional support if needed.